Departure - Day 35

My initial diagnosis of moderate anxiety disorder seems to be a gross underestimate of my condition. In the eight days that I spent there I was in a constant state of elevated anxiety and experienced a number of panic attacks. The staff was either untrained or unwilling to help and as such I left the treatment facility.

Future posts will explain more about my time and experiences with at the Pahia residence. There is far too much to cover in a single post. I also need a few days to reflect on exactly what has happened over the past week before I attempt to put it in words. I am sure there are many instances in which I am largely at fault, as well as the staff, but I need an opportunity to calm myself and fully process all angles of the situation.

Amazingly, despite everything that has happened I have no desire to use. Even the thought of picking up a needle right now seems absurd to me. The few urges that I’ve experienced are quickly dispelled as the connection is made between the situation I just left and jabbing a needle into my arm. No high is good enough to risk going back.

At this time I am going to make arrangements to leave Honolulu in three days. I would leave sooner, however some of my possessions (most notably my phone) are being held at the administration office and will not be available to me until Monday.

Since leaving this morning I have spent most of my day researching and contacting organizations in Seattle that may be able to offer me some assistance in my recovery. That being said I believe any kind of formal treatment is going to be successful I first have to get control of myself. If my mind is capable of creating the intense anxiety that I experienced there, I have to believe is it also capable of redirecting that energy to overcoming it.

I was unsuccessful in completing the program offered by Po’ailani but that does not mean that I will be unsuccessful in beating my addiction. My resolve is more alive than ever. I am more determined than ever to take back my life.

To my friends and family, know that I love you. I look forward to seeing you more than you can possibly imagine. Oahu has been an experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything but it’s finally time for me to come home.