A Matter of Time - Day 23

“You've got to be calling them everyday.”

I'm calling at least twice a week.

“You're not getting a bed that way. By the time one becomes ‘available’ it'll have been long enough that they'll say you don't need inpatient.”

What if I don't actually need inpatient though?

“You need inpatient.”

What makes you so sure?

“You're drunk right now.”

He was entirely right. About everything. He always was.

For three days now, dope is the first thing i think about when I wake up and the last on my mind when I go to sleep. It is all I can think about with little exception, and those moments are very short lived.

I had hoped that after three weeks it would start to get easier. Today has been the hardest day by far. That's why I got drunk. That's also why I answered when I got a message with just three letters: “wyd”.

I have a rule when I meet with NRD now. It always has to be in a very public place. Most commonly it happens somewhere in the heart of Waikiki. I don’t trust myself around him  and with good reason.

“You’re going to relapse, it’s only a matter of time. Everyone does.”

I’m sure I could right now if I wanted to.

“It’s right there, not even 12 inches away. You just have to reach in and grab it.”
C’mon now, I don’t even have to do that.

“You’re right, you can just stand there, I’ll hit you.”

Thanks, I’m good.

“You still want it.”

I did want it. I want it right now. I could take a shot right now and I’ll still want it. That doesn’t mean that I need it. The desire alone doesn’t mean I have to blink.

The truth is I probably will relapse. An article from January of this years states, “After three years, only 12% of people who went to rehab were still sober. 5% of people who didn’t go to rehab were still sober at that time.”

There is almost a 90% chance that before I’m 38 I’ll be right back where I was three weeks ago. When you look beyond three years the numbers get even more dismal. Meth addiction isn’t something that can just be cured, it’s an affliction I will carry with me my whole life and possibly beyond.

Does that mean that I should just give up? Some days it definitely feels that way. It is a rare day that you meet a meth addict who has made it more than five years clean. The fact that I was able to make it eleven years is not something many people can say. I have to remember that I’ve done it before.

“Alright man, that’s my ride.”

Good seeing you as always, I do value your insight.

“Oh, shut up. Call me when you relapse.”