Monomaniacal Mindset - Day 21

I inserted the point in line with the median cubital vein at a 45 degree angle careful to ensure the bevel was facing up. The skin broke a hole without even as much as a prick. I pulled back on the plunger slightly as the needle slid smoothly into place. Just as the final glimpse of the metal tip submerged beneath the surface the signature garnet ribbon burst forth like a serpent swirling in the wind. Bingo.

It’s now been three weeks since I last saw the red dragon’s barrel dance. Up until this point I have been fortunate enough to have avoided the reminiscent dreams that can poison a whole day's thoughts. My luck was bound to run out at some point.

I woke up this morning just before I unleashed the clear liquid into my body. I sat up immediately, as if I could feel the rush in my veins. My heart was racing and small beads of sweat began to assemble on my forehead. I knew that it was only a dream, but my body wanted to believe it so much it had already started the proper responses. I even instinctively rose my arm over my head and started to pump my fist in an effort to move the imaginary toxin to my heart faster.

This is the stage my recovery failed back in October. It wasn’t the first time it happened that it led to my relapse. It wasn’t as bad then though. I had only been an IVDU for a few weeks and was terrible at hitting myself.  Most of my first experiences involved a miss to some degree and were marred by the incredible burning pain that came when the drug came into contact with any part of my body other than a clean shot in the vein.

A couple times I had mistaken an artery for a vein. It felt right as it would go in but as soon as I pulled the needle out and it rushed pass the needle hole it would seep into the surrounding area and sting everything it touched like I had just poured acid into my arm. For as much as it hurt, that wasn’t the most terrible thing as it only lasted a few minutes and it still came with a rush, albeit slightly diminished and delayed.

The worst was a full miss. Sometimes it was caused by going too deep and stabbing right through the vein. You knew it was going to happen because you would have to pull the needle back in order to get a proper register. Taking the time to re-angle and then reset the needle would prevent the majority of the pain. It also risked losing it all together and ending up with a total miss, which is the most excruciating pain that you can imagine, like you took a small portion of the sun and embedded it just beneath the skin. It also doesn’t just go away.

Meth isn’t like heroin or steroids, you can’t muscle the hit as i will not absorb except through the bloodstream. A miss immediately becomes an abscess. The quicker you are to act the less likely it is to put you in the hospital.  By applying a warm compress and massaging the area you can slowly work the drug to where it’s supposed to be. You’ll end up with a massive bruise, but that’s better than a trip to the ER. I always kept a reusable hot pack in my bag for instances like this.

I had missed so many times in the beginning that I was still working out pockets of the drug for weeks. This time around I only have one reminded I carry with me. I never liked using the veins on the underside of my forearm. The angle is more difficult to get right but they were the only ones that hadn’t started to collapse and I wanted that pure rush I used to get when I started.

I’m still not exactly sure what went wrong. It went in smooth but as soon as I pulled out my it ballooned up like I had missed the whole shot. I screamed out in pain and lil David came running in from the other room. He told me he had the exact same thing happen to him with that particular batch.

There are a number of things that could have caused it. It’s possible there was an impurity in the dope itself so I sent a picture of my arm to the supplier. I was told no one else had the same results and I needed to learn how to hit myself. You can imagine my response to such sarcasm.

The points sterility may have been compromised. It’s rare, but it can happen where an entire lot is contaminated. We’d been using the same box for a few days so this didn’t seem likely.

Most likely it came down to the water used to mix the shots. You never know what might be in tap water so we used small bottles of water in order to minimize risks. Ideally a sterile saline solution would be used, but that requires purchasing another item that could identify someone as an IVDU.

With the countless things that can go wrong in the process it’s crazy to think that anyone would get into such a dangerous practice. But the old adage holds true, higher the risk, the greater the reward. It’s such a feeling that I’ve heard of people pulling water collected puddle or even using their own saliva in order to mix a shot.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that I woke up this morning and it’s all that I could think about. It’s all I’ve been able to think about for six hours now. It’ll probably be that way for the rest of the day and be the final thought I have before I fall asleep.

It’s hard coming to terms with the idea that any given morning I could wake up like this. If it happens after 3 weeks it could happen after 3 years or even 30.

At any moment I can close my eyes and see the serpent staring back at me with it’s seductive eyes. My face hardens and my eyes tense as it rips apart every layer of my soul looking for a single weakness. It cracks a coy smile and flares it’s eyebrows invitingly while I drop my shoulders back and attempt to relax the muscles in my neck. Every refraction of light upon the scales of it’s body echoes the same word:

“Blink.”

No.

“You don’t have the capacity to deny me forever. No one can. Blink.”

You’re right, I don’t. But I can deny you today. No.

“You belong to me. We will dance again. Blink.

We never stopped dancing. I just stopped letting you lead. No.

“You can’t hold out forever. Blink.”

I can hold out for today. No.

“BLINK!”

It's also my mother's birthday.