I'd like to think that it's nice in some ways but it's not. What benefits I gain from my brain starting to clear are completely eclipsed by my brain starting to remember. The worst part is all the things that I don't fully remember. I was walking down a crowded street downtown recently. I don't know if it was the scent of someone's cologne or a certain combination of sounds in just the right pitch, but I was overwhelmed with a flood of flash images. I couldn't even say if any of the were even real or if they were just still shots some from one of my many terrorscapes.
Some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep. I don't think this is something new in my life. I can remember many times in the past when I would make attempts at sobriety only to have it thwarted by an inability to sleep or because I couldn't handle what I'd see when I did sleep.
They didn't all used to be as terrifying as they are now. I actually used to enjoy dreaming to some extent in the past. Desomnia in Drull is full of dream accounts, some beautiful and some not so much. At least then there was a chance for something good when I closed my eyes. It's been a long while since I've had a nice dream.
I've been revisiting the notebooks I took with me to Ollala back in June. They are incredibly difficult to read in parts. However there are two excerpts that I think are worth sharing. The first is journal entry that is a prime example of the kinds of dreams I've come to expect each night, without anything too explicit. The second is a description of my out of body experience while receiving Reiki, the closest thing I've had to a good dream in years.
*****
June 8th, 2018
...One of the dreams from last night I was lost in a
town. I believe it to be Longview, but I’d never been there before. I was
separated from my group, constantly checking messages on my phone for clues
where to find them.
It was late at night and I wandered the streets, all under
heavy construction, til the sun had risen. I remember them telling me to find
the clock tower, but it wasn’t on my map, I assume because the construction
wasn’t just to upgrade the infrastructure but completely alter the framework.
I
found the tower as the clock struck 6 am. I t was the focal point of a new town
square. One of the only buildings already completed was a library. It wasn’t
open to the general public but an NA group was gathering in the children’s
section. There was as many toddlers as there were addicts.
They questioned my
right to be there. I exposed the insides of my elbows, they were worse than I
had seen before. They are how I’d imagine them to be if I left treatment today
and slammed dope everyday for the next 26 years. The other addicts gasped and
one of them motioned me to the circle.
Various people talked as the children
ran in corrupt figure eights around the chairs. The room began to contract,
slowly at first. I looked over my right shoulder towards the clock. 6:48 am.
As
I was rounding my vision back to the group I noticed a young girl, no older
than four, walking hypnotically toward the glass entrance., On the other side
of the door was a man, I’d guess late 30s. He was coaxing the girl closer,
while also trying to pick the door lock. I screamed, “Hey!” And ran to the
child.
The room had shrank considerably at this point and we were stumbling
over each other from lack of room. The man had over come the lock, but there
wasn’t room to push open the door through all the people. I grabbed the girl
and moved into a fetal position with her securely at the center. I told her,
“You’re going to be okay. I won’t let him take you.”
I could hear the man’s
voice all around me, “She’s not the one that needs protecting.”
Two police officers
arrived outside of the door., One of them placed a bracelet on the man outside
the door. The other slapped a cuff on my wrist through the narrow opening. “I’m
not doing anything wrong!” I yelled, “It’s that guy!”
This was the first time I
could clearly make out his face. His cheeks hung from his bones like they were
three sizes too big. There was a smile on his face reminiscent of Heath Ledgers
death. He was laughing hysterically.
The cop who cuffed me spoke, “You think
it’s funny selling heroin to children?”
“What are you talking about? I’m clean.
I was here at an NA meeting for Christ’s sake!”
The maniac, now free, came up
to restrain my other wrist. “Hahaha! You’ll never be clean!"
It was then that I
realized I’d seen that face before. It was the most horrific face of God.
*****
June 12th, 2018
I was alone on the shore as an orca approached and called me
into the water. We glided across the waves, the sky above
us. We passed inlets and isles, bays and rivers. My guide moved closer to the
shore of a small island. As I reached the densely forested beach my old dog
approached me and called me forward. As I entered the foliage a swarm of bees
attacked my abdomen. I could see a salmon in the distance just before it was
devoured by a bear. The bear then turned to me and bit into my crotch and
stomach. The orca, in an apparent state of suspended animation, swirled around
me and then disappeared. I followed my dog further into the woods, him happily
looking back and panting at regular intervals. We came across a wolf who
immediately lunged for my heart. He feasted on my chest but I felt no pain.
Completely distracted, I failed to notice a man come forth. He slit open my
throat and climbed inside. The orca appeared again. I could see a light through
the trees. A large eagle landed upon my head, one foots talons piercing into my
skull, the other the right side of my face. It began to eat my eyes from their
sockets. The dog barked and I could see the orca in the water in front of me.
I’m unsure if I crossed the island or simply walked in a circle. I went into
the water again. I could feel all of the animals enter into their respective
wounds. The orca was dancing around me. The various creatures became one inside
of me and formed into a sort of dragon. It moved in exaggerated s forms back
into the forest and my dog followed. Alone with the orca again, I climbed up on
its back. We left the water and began to swim through the air. This is the first
time I realized with certainty we were in Puget Sound. We soared past every
peak of the Cascades from Baker to Hood. We circled back around and Seattle was
burning. Not actively aflame but more smoldering an eerie glow of red light. We
moved at an incredible speed across the Pacific, but the image of Seattle
burning moved along with us. We reached the shores of Kailua beach and I
dismounted from my guide. I sat on the sand and watched my family burn as the
orca swam away into the darkness. Lava flowed from a nearby island. The noxious
vog finally obscuring my view.
*****
I need to rediscover what I'd found in Drull.
